A Patient Pursuit

In the last four months, God has been teaching me a lot about having patience. And to be completely honest, it's been quite a difficult season for me to come to terms with. God knows my heart; He knows that I can be quick to want what others around me have and if you are familiar with the enneagram personality test, that definitely is the type three in me: the achiever.

I've lost count of how many times I've prayed this prayer, Lord, I know you know the desires of my heart, but it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle. I feel like I'm running in circles and nothing is happening. I'm the type of person that wants to see a result right away and tell myself, "if I do this, then this will happen," and so on. If you ask some of my closest friends what my biggest weakness is, they would most likely tell you, "Caitlin is impatient."

I feel like all of us can be impatient to some extent. Whether it's success in school, finding the perfect job, searching for a sense of community, meeting your future spouse, or even waiting to retire! We all have different stories, and I think that is so beautiful; God has already designed our timeline of events, the itinerary of our life, and He has the best seat in the house.

Sometimes I wish I could look into the future just so I wouldn't have to get my hopes up for a job I knew I wouldn't get or a date that would turn out to be a total train-wreck.

But as I've been overthinking of what I want my life to look like and how it will play out, God is orchestrating something so much more better than any of my plans.

1 Corinthians 3:6-7 says, "I planted a seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow."

This verse speaks a hard truth: as much as we think we do, we will never have the ability to control our lives and make things happen at the level that God can accomplish. Although we have free will, God has the power to guide us from our decisions and protect us when He knows one path might not be the best for us. He has our best interest in mind.

I've been reminding myself of that reality, but there have been times when it just seems easier to think, God, I'm doing this because I know it's best for me right now. And because of those thoughts, God has convicted me of my selfish ambition with many things in my life. He has stilled the waters of the world around me and knows that I'm treading at the surface as I'm living in this season right now. I know He is showing me something, but right now I cannot see it, and that's okay. In the end, He brings clarity -- and it all takes time.

A while ago, I received an encouraging letter from a relative before I went over to East Asia. In the letter, she stressed the importance of always looking to Christ and how our trust should be put in Him. One line that stood out to me in her letter was, "Jesus is behind us, in front of us, and with us everywhere we go. The Lord will protect you and guide you." As soon as I read that, I felt this overwhelming sense of peace. Jesus has got me, no matter what.

Exodus 14:14 says, "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Isaiah 41:10 - "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Deuteronomy 31:8 - "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."

The bolded words in those passages give me so much reassurance and confidence in how powerful the Lord truly is! God knows that we can become so easily entangled in the desires of our life on earth, leading to having the temptation to figure it out all on our own; but that isn't the case -- we need only to be still, by patiently pursuing relationship with Him.