Not a Cookie-Cutter Life

To be completely honest, God has been teaching me a lot in a matter of a few weeks. I feel like a sponge: I'm absorbing and being drenched in God's truths, while simultaneously being rung out - squeezing out all of the lies, all my selfish ambition, my sin, my plans for my future. He's showing me contentment in the unknown and reminding me that the desires I have and want will look way different from what He desires for me... and that's a hard pill to swallow.

I recently listened to a message about heart idols. The speaker explained that no matter how much we look to our own desires, not matter how much they promise to give us eternal happiness and fulfillment, they are only temporary. The only way we can find purpose and fulfillment is through Christ. And don't get me wrong, that's a lot easier said than done.

As I sat there and listened to the speaker's words, I began to process and pinpoint the idols of my heart that tend to seep through and skew my view of the Lord and what He desires for me. I discovered that my desire to find comfort and approval from others has been something I've dealt with for most of my life, and even into my faith journey.

Looking back, when I subconsciously placed those heart idols before my relationship with Christ, I found myself feeling so run-dry, so disappointed with myself, and trapped in the thoughts of "I could have done more."

I remember one memory I had this summer as I was on the Jersey Shore with my Cru summer mission. I was sharing the gospel with the Knowing God Personally booklet to a group of recently graduated high schoolers. The whole time, I was so worried about what I was saying, thinking, "Am I explaining it in a way that makes sense to them? What if they're checking out and are just listening to be polite? Am I doing this right?"

I was so overcome with my thoughts that after leaving the conversation, after just bringing two of them to Christ (!!!), I was being so critical of myself since it was one of the first times I had ever shared the gospel all the way through. That night, I was reminded of my desire for approval and how I allowed it to overtake me in that moment. I instantly began thanking the Lord for using that situation to glorify Him, even if I was somewhat occupied in my mind. I praised Him that two of those students accepted the greatest gift - the grace of God and an assurance of their salvation in Him.

I think, with that example, we sometimes run after an image of what things will look like if we have this, if we have that. Or if I say this correctly, this will happen. And along with that, being a senior in college who is nearing graduation, the reality of me probably not having my desires fulfilled by the time I leave school and go into the real world, is completely terrifying to me. Our life is not meant to be a cookie-cutter representation of what we want, it's a masterpiece made up of all sorts of colors and depth created by God.

This morning I read this passage found in Philippians that says,

"But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." Philippians 3:7-12

Paul's words spoke so much truth and conviction to my heart and quickly helped me see things out of an eternal perspective. I was affirmed that no matter what I have or what I don't have in my life here on earth, I have a relationship with the One who created me and the heavens. The One who loves me and will provide for me no matter what I may do, no matter how many times I fall, or how many times I wander from Him to pursue the own desires of my heart.