Reflection & Resolution

It seems like each year goes by faster and faster the older I become. What ever happened to the days when I was a little five-year-old girl climbing on my backyard's play set? And the feeling of exhilaration that came with the moment I finally mastered the acrobatic (and slightly dangerous :) ) move of swinging upside down on the monkey bars?

But here's a reality: change is inevitable. Even though it is exciting to experience new seasons of life, it can be terrifying at the same time. As the clock of each day speeds by, we can sometimes be overcome with the fear of, what will happen? what does the future have in store? We are tempted to close our eyes and wish, instead of live.

To end the year of 2019, I spent my last few days of the year at a conference that Cru organizes for college students each year. It was over those four days, where I had many opportunities to process through the highs and lows I experienced within the last 52 weeks.

With the great moments of growth, community, and laughter, came hard obstacles I thought I could never overcome. As I reflected, God made it so incredibly clear to me that those hardships happened for a reason. He was sharing His plan with me the whole time, but I didn't want to listen to Him, because in the moment, it felt like things would never change. ...Or was I just scared to admit that change was happening in my life -- change I thought I wasn't ready for.

A little context: I walked away from a relationship in which I knew we were both trying to force. After that decision, I struggled with comparison; myself believing, I wasn't enough.

After we parted, I prayed relentlessly for clarity. At times, I thought it would be more help for me to just give up the confidence I had that God would rescue me from those deep waters. Each time I wanted to walk away, I was reminded of this verse found in Philippians 4.

Philippians 4:6 - Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

I prayed that I would finally let go of this feeling of not ever being enough for someone. I prayed for a change of heart towards the situation, even though it was hard. I prayed for something good to come out of this messy situation. And for a while, the stress of everything seemed to have multiplied, making my vision and sight of God blurry and confusing to my heart.

About a month after I started wrestling with the lies of comparison, I found myself being completely lead by the holy spirit to confess everything to someone who I found to be the most intimidating amidst the circumstance I was in. It was not comfortable, it wasn't easy, but it was so freeing. And because of that, I was able to finally move on and walk away from the battle I was experiencing because of my trust in the Lord.

Needless to say, 2019 was quite the year: filled with both unforgettable experiences and unexpected hardship. This last year was so spiritually pivotal for me and I believe it will be something I'll look back on forever.

Isaiah 43:18-19 says,

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland."

The Lord knows that we will face many things in this life, and continues to pursue us, even when it feels like it may be easier for us to quit seeking out a sense clarity that seems almost impossible to grasp. But in moments of reflection, God gives peace and an indescribable comfort as He assures us that He uses the lows we go through to glorify Him.

Going into this next year, I guarantee that there will be battles that I'll struggle with everyday, but I choose to dwell in the Lord and trust in what He has in store...and that is something so exhilarating in itself!