The Weight of Faith

Hello! It's been a while since I've written. So.. welcome back! I feel like the last month or so has flown by, while still being packed full with so many things. And simultaneously, it feels like everything has happened in slow motion. (Maybe I'm just going insane for saying that because of being cooped up inside, quarantined... But that's my reality right now.)

With all this time on my hands, I've been reflecting on this semester so far. I've learned many unexpected hard lessons and have experienced the Lord peeling back layers to ultimately reveal a deeper meaning behind what has been happening in my life. (Have to love it when He does that ;) )

Since the beginning of January, I haven't been stretched in my faith like I have been in my entire life. I remember having this thought in November after I came back from my week-long vision trip to East Asia,"Well, that was it. I'm probably never going to go back." Little did I know that the Lord was starting to stir a passion in my heart to go back. And I began the process of preparing to go on another mission to EA -- to fully obey the Lord and His great commission.

The moment everything switched in my mind was when I was singing the lyrics of the All Sons & Daughters song, Great Are You Lord.

And all the earth will shout Your praise Our hearts will cry, these bones will sing Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs So we pour out our praise We pour out our praise It's Your breath in our lungs So we pour out our praise To You only

The lyrics seemed to hit differently as I stood there thinking, "these people I met across the world will never speak these lyrics, will never feel what it's like to be completely overcome and in awe of the Lord." And in that moment, I knew that all my plans I had set for myself were nothing compared to what the Lord wanted me to do: to GO.

And the rest is history. The next week I applied for a mission that had the risk of being canceled due to not enough people to make up a team and of course, at the time, the COVID-19 pandemic was starting to vastly spread. In mid-January, I accepted to go on the mission over a phone call...fully-knowing that a large majority of factors were against me.

Since that phone call, the process of explaining my reasoning of going to people and the internal battle I was experiencing felt like I was strapped in on an endless roller coaster ride. (And mind you, I'm not a ride fanatic!) It was painful. It was rough. But oh, how it strengthened me in so many aspects of my faith and mentality!

There were nights were all I could do was pray; because sleep stopped becoming an option to my spinning mind. And as I pieced together the support letter I would eventually send out to family and friends, I was overwhelmed with questions and lies that taunted me, people are going to think you're insane. No one will support you. There's no good way to explain why you are going. It's not worth it, why are you doing this?

But I knew why I was -- solely out of obedience to the Lord. Not because I desired to go back, not because I could say I did...but because He broke my heart for what breaks His.

I was fully ready to embark on something I knew would put me in danger while still being reminded of God's goodness. How did I do that? I don't know...but the Holy Spirit was without a doubt, working. When I was stuck in a trap of doubt, the one prayer I would end up praying was, "Lord, take this away if it doesn't glorify You."

Although my mission was still on and ready to go, I honestly believe I experienced the 5 stages of grief throughout it all. When the Lord was calling me to take on something greater, I denied that it would ever happen, that I could ever have the strength to go. Have someone else do it.

I exhaustively tread through so many moments of anger towards the Lord. God, why are you calling me to do this when it might not happen? I don't understand.

I bargained with myself and the Lord; leading to question my intentions of going in the first place. And as I look back, so much of that was from the spiritual warfare I was experiencing. I let myself believe the lie that I couldn't possibly do it... that I wasn't strong enough to go. And again I thought, Lord, send someone else more equipped to go.

I fell into the stage of depression after I received an email saying that all missions would be canceled this coming summer. I knew there was nothing I could do but pray and yet all I could think was, But Lord, I am willing. I felt stuck.

Finally, the stage of acceptance -- it's still in the works. I'm being reminded everyday that everything I went through was not for nothing. God used that whole situation to show me how to walk entirely by faith. And with that, I've learned just how much weight and meaning the word faith holds. And especially in our world right now, we need faith more than anything.

Let this be a reminder for you today: God is in control. He is so much greater than what you and I can comprehend! He is going to use these unprecedented times in ways we can hardly begin to imagine. He is still here working. I pray that you can lean into Him and dwell in the promises He has already made!

This verse has been especially encouraging for me and I hope it encourages you!

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid...for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6